Mankind built cities, boats, planes.. Johannes Gutenberg gave us the printing press. Thomas Edison gave us the phonograph, motion pictures and the lightbulb. Alexander Fleming gave us Penicillin. Alexander Graham Bell gave us the telephone. Lady Gaga gave us Telephone. But never in this history of man has there been an invention as revolutionary as the one I'm about to show you. No Thomas Edison could have delivered this creation to us. No Einstein could have given us a theory to match the brilliance of this invention. Lady Gaga only invented this in her dreams. The invention you are about to see may very well be the greatest creation mankind has ever seen.
Millions of years of humanity's achievements and accomplishments have culminated to bring us to this point. Life and culture as we know it is about to change forever.
Since the alarm clock, man has woken at an early hour with a huge sense of irritability, stress, and depression. The persistent beeping has driven many an innocent man into insanity. But what can bring us into the light of the day with eagerness, vigor and strength if not bacon? The smell alone seductively and gently pulls us out of our slumber. The sheer adorable wit of the pig visage fills us with merriment and gives us a jolt of creative intelligence to start the day. The protein provides us with the energy we need to get through our morning routine, until we can make it to our coffee. If you're vegan, soy bacon will successfully satisfy your taste buds and morals.
I predict that by the end of the decade, 9 out of 10 households will have at least one bacon clock. Perhaps we will start treating our living pork with respect, as they have inspired and provided us with perhaps the most beneficial advancement of all time. Maybe people will be judged by the quality food their bacon clocks produce, in a similar manner to people today being judged by their cars or watches. Will hotels fall off the map if they cannot provide at least one bacon clock for every room? Will people wish to be buried with their bacon clocks? Will bacon clocks be the source of every holiday dinner and every prisoner's last meal? The only thing any of us can know for sure, at this moment, is that a great change is underway. Whether or not the modern world is ready for said change, well, that's a question for the future. The near future, but the future all the same.
Since it is in the near future, it does not matter in this moment. All that matters in this moment is that we, humankind, have succeeded. We, humankind, have won.
